Questions and Answers
How can I learn how to be true to myself?
If I can't control other people, how can I change the dynamics of our relationship?
How can I recognize when to speak up and when to let it go?
How can I know when I'm being true to myself or fooling myself?
If I'm asking for something from my partner to improve our relationship and he or she doesn't change anything, what should I do?
The Answers
How can I learn how to be true to myself?
There is only one way to know how to be true to yourself and that is getting consciously aware of your real feelings. Ask yourself how you really feel about the situation, the comment, the non-verbal communication, the action - no matter what it is, ask yourself how you feel about it. Then, admit your feelings to yourself. This is getting real and honest with your self. This is the foundation of self truth. If you're not fully honest with yourself, how can you ever be fully honest with anyone else? Please realize that all feelings are valid. There is not a "good" or a "bad" feeling. All feelings are valid. So if you feel afraid, nervous, worried, desperate, loving, warm, hot, cold, inspired, excited, longing - no matter what feeling you have, it is valid and deserves to be honored by you. Once you admit your feelings to yourself, and honor them, rather than judge them, you will set the dynamic of self truth into motion. Once you are always true to yourself, you become your own best friend, and you will then always have "back up" by you.
If I can't control other people, how can I change the dynamics of our relationship?
As soon as you are true to yourself and honor your feelings, how you choose to behave then becomes a conscious choice, rather than just having ego level reactions. Once you choose to either go with what you like or refuse to tolerate what you do not like, you are changing the dynamic of the relationship. If you choose to not engage in anything that is self depreciating, if you choose to only allow people in your deeply personal life who are supportive, rather than abusive, this choice that you make changes the dynamics of your relationship.
For example, if someone is trying to control you, and tell you what you can or cannot do, as if you were a five year old, then it is your choice to obey, or do as you prefer under the dictates of no one.
If you are being verbally abused, it is your choice to continue the relationship and allow yourself to be abused, or to never tolerate such treatment. If you are lashing out in your relationship, it is also within your conscious choice to learn more healthy methods of sharing your feelings, rather than lash out and engage in a negative word or power play. All of this is within your control. If you like what you are getting, stay. If you do not like what you are getting, and it is causing your self esteem to diminish, such as with snide and surreptitious negative non-verbal communication, then it is completely within your choice what you will allow in your life. I vehemently urge you to only allow positive and life enhancing people and behaviors in your life. Remember it is always your choice.
How can I recognize when to speak up and when to let it go?
A great rule of thumb is when it actually has something to do directly with you, personally. If the action or communication is directed towards you, then speak up and share your truth honestly. If it has nothing to do with you and has zero negative effect on your life, such as your not liking if your partner throws their laundry on the floor, or is absorbed in their work, then let it go and be selective in how you "pick your battles". Ultimately, there need not be a battle at all. I have received letters from people who grew up in a rigid and fear based religious environment, were married to people who were also stuck on religious dogma, and when the person wanted to explore their own spiritual connection to God, their partner got angry and tried to control them. As long as a person's actions are not bringing you any harm, such as getting into a dangerous cult, they are free to believe, read, worship, and do as they choose, which is why every person is endowed with free will and choice. People cannot "own" another person. So if the behaviors are not hurting you at all, are not dangerous, are not directed at you, and have no impact on you or your life, then let it go. If their words or actions are having a direct impact on your life, then by all means graciously and honestly speak your truth.
How can I know when I'm being true to myself or fooling myself?
The answer is always based on how you really and genuinely feel. If your feelings flip back and forth, then you are most likely fooling yourself, or trying to keep the status quo out of fear. It could be fear of loss of the relationship, survival fear, fear of being hurt - these are the most common areas where people fool themselves with justifications and excuses to stay in a relationship. You know how you really feel. When your words, speech and actions are in opposition to your true feelings, you are fooling yourself. When your thoughts, feelings, words and actions all match - then you are being true to yourself, and this is the ONLY way to live a life of self truth and inner/outer peace.
If I'm asking for something from my partner to improve our relationship and he or she doesn't change anything, what should I do?
If it's abuse in any form, you must walk or you will lose your self and your sense of self. If you are with someone who is as committed to creating the best relationship possible with you, because he or she cares about the relationship as equally as he or she care for him or herself, then you can ask your partner to go for couples counseling with you to work it out. You can go to a Marriage Encounter weekend or any couples communication intensive given by someone who has helped a lot of couples - that specializes in couples counseling, you can get positive relationship communication books and share them with your partner, so that you are working together to create the best relationship possible. If you are with someone that does not care about your relationship and how you feel in the relationship, then what are you doing with this person? I am speaking here of anything that causes you harm on any level, not about domestic chores and throwing socks on the floor rather than in the laundry hamper.
Always remember, that there are three entities: you, the other person, and your relationship. Think of it as the trunk of a tree, the branches and the fruit. You are the trunk, where self truth, honesty and purity dwells. The person you are having a relationship with is a branch of your life. The fruit the tree bears stems from the emotional, mental and psychological heath of the trunk and the branch. So when all is working in harmony together, in a healthy relationship, together as the trunk and the branch, you will bear sweet and delicious apples. If there is abuse, control and manipulation, there will be bruised and rotten apples. How strong is your trunk or backbone? How solid are you in your truth? Life itself brings its own challenges, such as health challenges, or an accident, or hurricane, etc. it is in your truth, and having a solid backbone based on self truth that will enable you to weather the storms life may bring, where you can still bear great, delicious fruit, despite a storm. If there is disease within the trunk or the branches, then the fruit of the tree will also be diseased. (I am NOT speaking of physical disease, but mental, psychological and emotional.) So as you look at your relationship or the fruit a tree bears, you can see where there might need to be some re-evaluation, and honest work on self to bear better fruit. If you are completely honest with yourself, and are not lying to yourself at all, you will be able to either stay in or leave the relationship based on how you really feel and what you really prefer in your life. Remember that trees can be uprooted and planted elsewhere. Anything that is not life enhancing has to be uprooted, and cleared. If you are not getting genuine cooperation in this relationship, then ask yourself if your relationship with yourself matters more than your fears on any level. No one can determine your truth but you. No one can act on your truth but you. Ultimately, it is self truth and finding the courage within yourself to act on your truth that will determine how you choose to spend your life. I only ask you to be true to yourself. Nothing matters more, because your entire life and happiness hinges on this.
© Copyright by Barbara Rose. All Rights Reserved.
Barbara Rose, most widely known as "Born To Inspire" is an internationally recognized expert in the field of personal transformation and spiritual/human potential. A pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication the study and integration of humanity's God-Nature into modern personal growth and spiritual evolution. Best-selling author of Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, If God Was Like Man, and Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Her public speaking events, tele-seminars, webcasts, articles and private intensives have transformed the lives of thousands across the globe.
Barbara is known for providing life-changing answers, quick practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide. She is the founder of IHSC - Institute of Higher Self Communication, inspire! Magazine, Rose Humanitarian Alliance, and The Rose Group publishing company. Barbara works in cooperation with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift the spiritual consciousness of humanity. http://www.borntoinspire.com