This article will seem like just good old plain common sense. Yet, most people in business of giving advice in dating and seduction are not really addressing it and I know it is a problem for most men.
I know it is a problem because I teach workshop/seminars a couple of times a month and I see it first hand and this is something that can save you a lot of time and wasted energy.
Some of you have goals and objectives while learning this "Game." Others just take it one day at a time.
If you are going to set objectives in this game, make sure at the very top is the freedom to exist.
Well, what the heck does that mean?
It means if you are going to set up goals for yourself, your eventual goal is to believe so strongly in yourself that you can walk up to anyone and be comfortable.
Sounds simple, doesn't it? And yet, it is so difficult.
This is not a goal that is achieved over night. It takes time and effort and you must work towards it. I have met and winged with some of the best of the best as far as the pick-up game is concerned, and I can tell you that even some of these guys haven't achieved this.
A lot of guys will argue about what to say upon first meeting girl and what the tactic or strategy should be.
Here is what I would like you to understand:
It's not about the words. It's ABOUT A MENTALITY.
The direct style is about a state of self-belief not often found in many guys who consider themselves "Pick Up Artists" regardless of how good they are.
Lacking these internal belief structures, a person will often resort to looking at things through a different lens. He looks at everything through the frame of techniques and tactics, henceforth completely missing the point regarding the self-belief.
I recently heard an incredibly well known "Pick up Artist" label being direct as a "Frame Control" Trick. This indicates that to this person, everything is still a technique, not an organic and natural process.
To truly not give a damn and have such a strong self-image to approach anyone is not a trick. It is not a tactic.
It comes from the power of belief and it comes from a deeper place.
It takes time to get there. It helps if you realize what it is you should be focusing on.
You go in with the mentality that "I do NOT need to resort to trickery and tactics" in order to get a woman.
I am not saying that "Tools" are bad in general. There are some tools that are useful at some point.
However, to be able to just be present and a relaxed cool individual is to be able to free yourself of constantly reaching inside your bag of tools.
Even the tools are not tools. I'll explain:
One of the things I teach to guys is the art of story telling. Now, two years ago, I may have thought that this is a great tool to have.
However, having the ability to tell stories in an interesting and captivating manner is not a tool.
It is forcing you to make a fundamental change in yourself. Once you learn how to tell a proper story and be interesting, you will have made a permanent change.
You are no longer reaching in your bag silently thinking to yourself, "Aha, I will pull out my tool of "Story telling" at this point in the pickup. It will be the equivalent of photon torpedoes and will weaken her deflector shields."
No!
You just become a more interesting person who enjoys sharing a good story or two because you have internalized good story telling and now it has become second nature.
Again: This article is not about the words that you say when you approach a woman.
It's about a STATE OF MIND. It is about a PARADIGM SHIFT.
It is about what Seth Parker talked about in his article "Confident Rapport."
It's about a mentality to be able express oneself without pretense. It does not really matter what you open the conversation with.
It's also not about having cocky/funny as a tool.
You want to be confident and playful? Fine! Do so because you are a person who enjoys having a good time and one who enjoys teasing people. Don't do it because it is a tool you pull out of your hidden bag.
I recall, many years ago, watching "The Lost Interview" with Bruce Lee where he talked about expressing oneself and the difficulty in doing so.
Bruce said, "It is easy to for me to put on a show and be flooded with a cocky feeling, and then feel pretty cool, or do some phony things and be blinded by it, or show you some fancy movement???. but to express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself, to express myself honestly?..That, my friend, is very hard to do."
I also recall not completely understanding what he was discussing the first time I heard this interview. He is very correct, however. It is easy to put on a fancy show and try to impress people, but to honestly express yourself is very difficult.
The chief goal of any self-help environment ought to be trying to get you to feel comfortable in your own skin and be at peace with yourself.
To genuinely feel and exude that is difficult.
To me, being able to express yourself without excuses is the ultimate state of alphaness.
Yet, what do you usually find in guys who are "Trying" to be alpha?
Firstly, let's understand this: You have a lot of guys who are trying to prove that they are alpha. Well, if you are "Trying" to be it, then you really are not alpha.
I constantly run into such guys who are trying to be alpha: Their behaviors manifest themselves in two ways.
They act like jerks, they behave in a standoffish manner, they try to ignore people as though these people are beneath them, and they exude other similar pompous behavior.
This is obviously the behavior of an insecure person. If you are comfortable with yourself, you don't need to mistreat someone to give yourself status. Isn't funny to realize that in many cases overindulgence in arrogance is actually driven from insecurity?
They try to dominate every conversation. They must at all times be the center of attention.
This second category is really easy to notice. You can have a group of 5 guys talking and you'll see one guy constantly cutting people off to interject his point of view and constantly striving to get attention.
If he is not interjecting to get his point in, he is drawing attention to himself through wisecracks or other juvenile behavior.
His starvation for other people's attention becomes laughably obvious and after a while, it becomes annoying.
This also is deeply rooted in insecurity.
Thus, to be genuine and comfortable, you do not need to be a jerk, and nor do you need to be the center of attention every single minute. You can be in your space and if someone else has the floor, you can listen comfortably because you are secure in who you are.
You are not there to prove anything. You can enjoy someone else's words because you are actually listening to that person speak, and not worrying about what you should say to garner attention back to yourself every step of the way.
Whether you consider yourself a novice in meeting women or somewhat experienced, you should always keep this ideal in mind.
Not being comfortable with who you are manifests itself in so many ways.
It will drive you to try and impress people all the time.
It will drive you to continually search for more pickup lines.
It will drive you to many times behave like a pompous jackass.
It will drive you to constantly try and bring attention to yourself.
It will drive you to impress people by whom you have sitting next to you.
It will drive you to impress by telling people what kind of a cool car you have, what celeb you met, or how much money you just made.
It will drive you to be socially frightened.
It will drive you women away from you.
Thus, making "becoming comfortable with who you are," is one of the top priorities.
While it is not the only priority, it should be one of the top messages emphasized by gurus giving dating advice.
Instead, guys are chasing their own tails trying to learn more openers, more cute lines, more tricky pickup lines, more secret tactics, more, more, more.
When is it going to end?
It ends when you realize that probably the biggest reason you are at this cross road is because you are not comfortable with who you are.
It takes a bit of an ego check to admit this, but admitting is the first step to progress.
I'll be honest with you: I have many people giving dating advice and many of them are not completely comfortable in their own skin either.
It is not an easily achieved feat, but it is what your master goal should be.
People are not comfortable with themselves and they build layers to mask that discomfort. Instead of helping peel off the layers of façade, most people in the dating-industry seem to advise people to hide under more layers.
I am not a guru and I am not some super monk sitting on top of the mountain being at one with the Universe. We are all at different levels of comfort. We are at different stages in our journey.
However, I want to make sure that people are focusing on the right issues and that this focus will help them achieve their desired states.
Once again, if someone is socially awkward then it is logical that he would seek to remedy that situation. However, to crawl out of the hole of social ineptness onto the plateau of a socially savvy person is not a tool or a technique. It is a person making fundamental changes in himself.
Similarly, becoming comfortable and being able to exist and walk through life in a manner where you feel good about yourself, and in a manner where you feel the freedom to exist and express yourself is not a tool.
It is not a tactic!
It is not a routine!
It is a paradigm shift in your thinking, beliefs, ideals, and behavior!!
It is about a strong enough self-image where you don't feel like you must carry your invisible bag of tools at all times or you are doomed.
IT IS ABOUT THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS YOURSELF WITHOUT EXCUSES.
IT IS ABOUT THE FREEDOM TO EXIST.
IT IS ABOUT THE FREEDOM TO BE.
That, fellas, is attractive.
Cameron Teone
Cameron Teone is one of the instructors for Fidentia, a company that teaches dating confidence with live workshops. Go to their website to subscribe to their free newsletter and learn about the workshops: http://www.fidentia.org